Spiderman: Brand New Day.... Not

August 2026

 

I just had a nice nap...

 

In the middle of Spiderman: Brand New Day...

 

Seriously... I fell asleep half way through the movie...

 

In my defense... it was three hours long...

 

With no sound track to speak of, no clever repartee or jokes ...

 

And how much can you do with a spider web?

 

Now Tom Holland ...

Isn’t particularly charismatic...nor memorable in this film...

 

And, frankly... is he in any movie?

 

Because he didn’t exactly rock the roll of Telemachus in The Odyssey

 

And for all they gave Zendaya to do...

They might as well have just put a poster of her in the corner...

 

And for the first time Jon Bernthal added nothing to a film...

 

Now Mark Ruffalo did get to go all Hulk...

So I half expected him to start ranting about Gaza...

And David Ellison to show up and tell him to stuff it...

 

Now that would have been more interesting than what I just sat through...

 

But what do I know...

 

The box office for this film indicates that there is still an insatiable appetite for endless fight scenes, implausible stunts, and plots that are too complicated...

 

But to put New in the title of this film.....

Is definitely not truth in advertising...

Because there was absolutely nothing new in this film...

 

I mean the Ninja moves were straight out of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon...

Which came out 26 years ago...

 

And Spiderman: Brand New Day...

Lacks the deadpan humor and clever cultural references...

Of Deadpool and Wolverine and Avengers: End Game...

 

But Superhero flicks do like to occasionally tap into the zeitgeist...

 

So The Thunderbolts had characters inspired by the DSM Manual...

Because the world is supposedly so screwed up...

Even superheroes now have a panoply of mental illnesses ...

 

And Superman had a villain using AI as weapon...

With subplots about immigration... and Ukraine...

 

So in Spiderman: Brand New Day...

 

We learned that Spiderman is lonely...

 

And wants to make some friends...

Even though he has a cult like following...

 

Ok...

 

But I’m sorry...

 

Peter Parker seemed like a nice enough guy...

But he did little to keep me awake...

 

Or care what happened to him...

 

But, let’s be honest.. it’s impossible in any Superhero movie..

To give a sh...t about any of the characters...

 

Because when someone is lifting trucks off people...

Or flying off 100 story buildings...

To stop some evil villain who wants to take over the world...

In a plot that is so complicated... implausible...and impossible to follow...

 

A superhero’s inner life seems kind of inconsequential.......

 

And just serves as filler a director puts in between the endless derivative fight scenes...

That clutter up all these movies...

 

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