The Dog Stars Has a Magic Mechanic, A Stewardess in Clown Makeup, and Storyline That Can’t Decide Whether It’s a The Last of Us Clone or a Stephen King Movie

August 2026

 

Did any of you actually read this script?

 

And I mean ...you...

 

Jacob Elordi, Margaret Qualley, Josh Brolin, Guy Pearce, and Allison Janney....

 

Or did you just see it was a Ridley Scott movie... and say yes...

 

Well... all of you need to have a word with your agents...

 

And especially you, Elordi....

 

Because you clearly shone in Euphoria, Saltburn, and Frankenstein...

But then he put you in Wuthering Heights....

 

And now this?

 

And as for Ridley Scott...

Gladiator II wasn’t great...

But The Dog Stars is a new low for him...

 

So did anyone read this script before they greenlit this movie?

 

Because it is just a rehash of The Last of Us storyline...

With what looked like the same sets...

 

But with feral foragers who were so tatted up they looked like they just got out of an El Salvadorian prison...

Who were running around shirtless like they were all on PCP...

While everyone else in Colorado was wrapped in flannel...

 

And when the heroes kill them...

They burn the bodies using gasoline...

Instead of wood... even though they live in a forest...

 

Because I guess no one was worried...

About where they were going to get more gasoline...

When that supply ran out...

 

To fly those airplanes they were using for recon....

 

Because civilization has basically been destroyed...

And everyone who was lucky enough to have survived...

Is now a hunter gatherer...

 

But again...

 

With airplanes...

 

Elordi gets to play the Magic Mechanic..

Who can fix a plane after a crash with a screwdriver...

 

And then half way through...

 

The Dog Stars careens into a bizarre technicolor world run by an evil stewardess in clown makeup...

With lots of taxidermy and body parts hanging from the ceiling in bags...

 

So you start to think... did they hire Stephen King to write the rest of the movie?

 

And then the movie pivots once again to its original...

The Last of Us/ Station Eleven/28 Days...or Months...or Years Later...

Dystopian post pandemic world...

 

Where the safe haven is a Mennonite community run by a fat Asian...

Where a third of the community is black...

And someone has a deaf child...

 

Decisions I suspect were intended to check a lot of those boxes you need  to qualify for an Academy Award these days...

 

As if this turkey would ever be in contention...

 

Even with its slam against anti-vaxxers...

 

Oh...and in a society destroyed by a virus..

We have a good doctor giving children immunosuppressants...

So they can feel better....

 

And she’s going to use old IV bags that have been hanging in an abandoned Denver sports facility...

 

For years...

 

So by this time you are wondering...

 

Who thought it was a good idea to make this movie?

 

Because the plot is patently ridiculous...

With dialogue that was even worse...

 

And Covid was six years ago...

 

So haven’t we passed the Sell by Date for Pandemic movies?

 

But Hollywood...

 

If you aren’t quite ready to stop...

 

How about you make one about a prominent government scientist...

Who surreptitiously funded...

The creation of a new virus...

That caused a word wide pandemic...

Which led him to become rich and famous...

 

I’m still waiting for that movie to be made...

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